Making a commitment to another person to spend the rest of your lives together is a decision you don’t just throw around. In this blog, I want to reflect on the growth of my current relationship that got me to the status of where I am now. Engaged!!!
When you are first getting sober, there is this unwritten rule that says you shouldn’t embark into any kind of relationship until after you have one year clean. I don’t know who came up with it, or where it came from— but somebody, somewhere, created this invisible guideline we, as people in recovery, are told to follow. And yeah, I get it. I get why that it has proven to be an insightful rule to follow because— in reality, the odds are not in your favor that you’ll find “the one” when really, in early sobriety, the goal is supposed to be finding yourself. And it’s hard enough even trying to do that.
Relationships are distracting. In a relationship, there is this whole other person you are supposed to be concerned with. Concerned with their needs, their emotions, their schedules, their routines... their entire lifestyle. And honestly, what are the chances that all those things are conducive, mesh, and fit into the NEW YOU??
Now this blog is me… putting my relationship status, and how I got here, all out there. Judge as you wish, but I will defend it. In my situation, I have the nerve to say that I’m “the exception to the rule”, BUT I can also say in that same breath that I had to tread lightly, my friends, in making decisions about being in a relationship when I did. And it wasn’t as fairytale as I had hoped, either. I got pushed away at first because the man I was after was hesitant about getting serious when I hadn’t yet gotten that oh-so-important 1-year coin yet. But I’ll tell you what... it was for sure God’s plan for us to be together… and in hindsight, things happened exactly how they should have.
Life was good. I knew that this time on my recovery journey, I had chosen to do it all for me and nobody else. It was my idea that changes needed to be made... for me to be happy and content again. I had to learn how to live life without the use of drugs or alcohol. I’m very good at being independent, but I’m also human; and hence, crave companionship.
If you have read my previous blogs, my experience in the relationship department has been far from stellar. You could chalk it up to a lack of options. The reason why I say this is looking at it, when you are sick, we tend to find ourselves surrounded by other sick people. Is this not true?? Therefore, it would be inevitable that you most likely end up spending time with, dating, and who knows... end up marrying… another addict. All this because you have so much in common, right? The problem is... when you are using, you and your significant have all the wrong, unhealthy things in common.
Building a partnership while you are unhealthy, you cannot expect it to ever flourish. It can be compared to attempting to grow a healthy flower in tainted soil, under harsh conditions... it will never survive the elements. So, I recognized and respected that phenomenon. I knew that if I was going to connect with someone, and it was going to be something that was going to last, it had to be with someone that shared the ONE thing that I valued most about the person that I was today. Recovery.
It was then, God presented to me the love of my life.... sooner than I had expected. So, no... I hadn’t reached that 1-year milestone where I was to be appropriately released from my relationship leash. But who’s blessing was I waiting for??? A sponsor’s? My parents? My therapist? The fellowship? All I know is God knows what He’s doing and made it clear to me that He approved. That’s what matters.
Just like everything big, relationships take work. There will be challenges and disagreements... ups and downs. But when you get to actually LIVE sober and are good with who you are— and are blessed with another individual that is doing the same... it makes being together so easy. So easy and comfortable that you crave it because you are happy, clean, and healthy.
You crave their presence and the uninterrupted love that you feel for them, and by them, day in and day out. I am lucky to have found my person, Corey. He is my best friend, my love, my partner, and it truly is a blessing to have him in my life. And whatever time it showed on the calendar when we found each other, I know, and I’m trusting... it was the right time.
Marney
P.S. I'm Grateful