As I was updating the story page and the meaning behind the number 217, many emotions started to come over me. Most of them were good, but some (at the time) were bad, or so I thought.
One of those moments I thought was bad was when I was in jail. Sitting in my cell alone with only a bam bam suit. I spent four days in that cell alone and that's when I decided to ask God “Please let that be the last time I ever drink alcohol.” So far so good, as I started to have more faith in God, I became more spiritual. When I pray, I don't expect the answers to my prayers to just show up out of thin air like a magic trick. Now I use a more sensible approach. When I meet someone, I know it's for a reason or purpose. Maybe it's for my benefit or maybe it's for theirs, either way, it's not my job to figure out why or how. It's my job just to know it is, God has the plan all I have to do is get out of the way.
As you can see, that prayer I prayed in jail has helped me out a lot. From not drinking or using any other drugs since 12.15.2018, my life has changed drastically for the better. I stopped blaming others, stopped trying to be cute with working my recovery, stopped pointing out flaws in AA, and I started being honest with myself. Yes, it is an honest program and I feel a lot of people get that part twisted. They think they can go out and use whatever and just because they're honest with their family, probation officer, or sober living house, then that it's okay to use. My personal opinion is that they've totally missed the point of being honest. Being honest to me means that when I want to drink, I have to be honest with myself. I have to know that it's something I can't stop or control once I start. This honesty will bring clarity to the situation and it will be much easier for me to shrug that notion off and continue on with my day.
Blaming others is another method that people in early recovery seem to hold onto. It doesn't matter if someone makes you upset, mad, angry, sad, lonely, hurt, or anything else. If you don't yet understand that only YOU control how you feel, you have some more pain to go through. Often, we react to situations and because of our inability to place blame on ourselves, we look for easy targets. For me, it was often those I loved as if they were to blame for how I reacted to a situation that made me uncomfortable. It was later that I learned (and still learning) how to pause and think before I act, so I don't react in a way that will make me look stupid later down the road.
I hope this makes sense to you and if not, bookmark this page and come back to it from time to time. This way of thinking and living has helped me through many situations where I didn't regret how I acted and over time this practice has gotten easier. I doubt I'll ever perfect it and I doubt you either, just a little bit better today than yesterday and it'll start to add up.
Good Luck,
Corey
