When you're in early recovery and things start to line up for you, it can be very scary. In my opinion as a professional radio broadcaster, that's normal. For me, I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. When is this going to blow up in my face? When will I let everyone down again? Let me be in control, I say NOW!! That's what it was like for me, it was easier to push the self-destruct button because it was something I could be in control of. Praying and waiting for God to do what he does can take a long time. My way, (I thought) would allow me to still be in control of my addiction, which was such a farse. The addiction always had control of me. Ever walk a huge dog? You can tug and pull and they go along with you... for a bit... If they see something they really want, it can feel like you've awakened the beast. They quickly let you know that you didn't have as much control as you thought you did. When they were willing to go along with your half-ass walk plan, you thought you were in control, just like addiction. You can put a leash on it for a while, but if you're not learning, growing, getting stronger, then you're just waiting to be caught off guard. But that won't happen to you... That stuff just happens to everyone else, lol.
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