As I start this blog and before I get into what I mean by the title, I have to update you on last week's blog as I said I would. So, the person who I was referring to in last week’s blog turns out to not be a very nice or trustworthy person. Pointing out the obvious would just make me look bitter and at this point, I'm going to control the only thing I can, how I feel. I can choose to be resentful for the feelings of embarrassment this person caused me or I can dust myself off and chalk it up to a valuable learning lesson, I'm choosing the latter.
Now for the title story of this blog. I have made several mistakes over the years and my words have hurt people more than I can ever know. But to say I'm sorry would most likely fall on deaf ears, or just stir up old feelings that wouldn't be good for anyone involved. Words do hurt and sometimes they scar just as bad as physical abuse. Emotional and mental abuse can be the major cause or reasons for someone’s addiction. So, when talking to someone you might not know how they're going to react in certain situations. For many of the reasons I used alcohol to hide my problems, I also found it comforting to gain acceptance through humor. This has become natural for me and sometimes I say things that I find to be humorous when other people seem to find it offensive. This lack of filter is a character defect at times and it's something I'm working on, just not working on it too hard at the moment. With that said, it doesn't make sense for me to say I'm sorry when I'm not. The words I say to people now aren't meant to hurt them and how they take them is totally up to them. They can react insecurely and call me names to hide the hurt they have, or they can simply discuss with me why they took offense to what was said. The more effective means of communication is the discussion of course, but most (and I'm guilty a lot too) just react with the first. I've been called many names over the years and it's nothing new to me, but when said by the right people I can be brought into a vulnerable place very quickly. The serious chance of relapse is huge for someone in early recovery such as myself, but instead of running to the store to buy alcohol to "teach them a lesson" and "make it their fault" I sit and think. I don't confront the person because like most people, I don't care about "I'm sorry's". To realize the power you have over situations that used to baffle us is incredible! To sit and reflect on the part I played in the situation and to put myself in someone else's shoes is huge. To examine the types of people I surround myself with only makes me stronger and puts me in better situations where I'm more apt to win against alcohol. Sometimes things, places, and people need to change in order for you to reach your true potential. Don't be afraid of what other people feel about moves you make if you know deep down that your sobriety is the major factor behind those decisions.