I came across this post in my Facebook feed yesterday and the vulnerability brought me back to the early days of my Recovery. I reached out to the writer of the post, Tracy Blocker and she allowed me to share this with you on the 217 Recovery platform.
~Corey
January 3, 2022
3:32 AM
Five months ago today I was at one of the lowest points in my life.
I had been using alcohol to numb the pain of trauma and prevent myself from dealing with my depression, anxiety, loneliness, and self-loathing. I had reached a point where I was using every unhealthy coping mechanism that I had to try to put out the flame of pain that was burning me to the core. But no matter what I tried the fire was always smoldering the next day.
Sitting outside on the patio, crying, drunk and alone I just decided that I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I had lost all sense of hope and felt worthless. The baggage of my past was a burden that I felt I could no longer carry. So I made the decision that I was a burden and had reached a point of hopelessness that I didn’t feel worthy to keep living. So I tried to take my own life. I just remember taking pills and chasing it with beer. Praying to God to just make it all stop.
Something remarkable happened, I could feel myself dosing off, but inside this little voice just told me no. No don’t close your eyes, don’t lay down, don’t leave your girls without a Momma.
So, I called 911 and by the Grace of God, I Saved Myself.
As I write this tears are rolling down my cheeks and my heart is racing. This is the most vulnerable I think I have ever been to share this publicly. But I have to, God let me live because I have a greater purpose. If this helps just one person struggling with addiction and/or depression then it was worth it.
My whole life I have been a giver at the expense of losing my own identity and self-worth over the years. My life was about pleasing and helping everyone else. I had nothing left to give because taking care of everyone else had literally depleted me. All that was left of me was an empty shell.
When I finally on what literally could have been my deathbed decided to Save Myself it was like a switch had been flipped.
If I wanted to live then I had to start living for myself.
To do this I had to change my mindset. I had to learn what it means to love yourself. In order to do this, I had to make the decision to become 100% honest and transparent with myself and anyone else that is a part of my life. I also had to learn how to tear down my walls that we're keeping everything in and instead set healthy boundaries. Today I only allow things and people in my life that add value. No longer are the days of trying to seek validation through giving and sacrificing myself for others’ happiness.
The #1 thing that I get asked is how can you be around alcohol and people that drink and not want to drink myself. Alcohol was a bandaid that I continued to use to cover a wound that metaphorically required stitches. The wound was never going to heal properly with just a bandaid.
Today I value and love myself. I made a pinky promise to my kids that I would heal and never get to that point again. So that is where I am today. Living and loving life. Realizing that who I am is good enough and that I don’t have to change for anyone but myself.
~ Tracy Blocker
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