I came across this post in my Facebook feed yesterday and the vulnerability brought me back to the early days of my Recovery. I reached out to the writer of the post, Tracy Blocker and she allowed me to share this with you on the 217 Recovery platform.
January 3, 2022
Five months ago today I was at one of the lowest points in my life.
I had been using alcohol to numb the pain of trauma and prevent myself from dealing with my depression, anxiety, loneliness, and self-loathing. I had reached a point where I was using every unhealthy coping mechanism that I had to try to put out the flame of pain that was burning me to the core. But no matter what I tried the fire was always smoldering the next day.
Sitting outside on the patio, crying, drunk and alone I just decided that I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I had lost all sense of hope and felt worthless. The baggage of my past was a burden that I felt I could no longer carry. So I made the decision that I was a burden and had reached a point of hopelessness that I didn’t feel worthy to keep living. So I tried to take my own life. I just remember taking pills and chasing it with beer. Praying to God to just make it all stop.
Something remarkable happened, I could feel myself dosing off, but inside this little voice just told me no. No don’t close your eyes, don’t lay down, don’t leave your girls without a Momma.
So, I called 911 and by the Grace of God, I Saved Myself.
As I write this tears are rolling down my cheeks and my heart is racing. This is the most vulnerable I think I have ever been to share this publicly. But I have to, God let me live because I have a greater purpose. If this helps just one person struggling with addiction and/or depression then it was worth it.
My whole life I have been a giver at the expense of losing my own identity and self-worth over the years. My life was about pleasing and helping everyone else. I had nothing left to give because taking care of everyone else had literally depleted me. All that was left of me was an empty shell.
When I finally on what literally could have been my deathbed decided to Save Myself it was like a switch had been flipped.
If I wanted to live then I had to start living for myself.
To do this I had to change my mindset. I had to learn what it means to love yourself. In order to do this, I had to make the decision to become 100% honest and transparent with myself and anyone else that is a part of my life. I also had to learn how to tear down my walls that we're keeping everything in and instead set healthy boundaries. Today I only allow things and people in my life that add value. No longer are the days of trying to seek validation through giving and sacrificing myself for others’ happiness.
The #1 thing that I get asked is how can you be around alcohol and people that drink and not want to drink myself. Alcohol was a bandaid that I continued to use to cover a wound that metaphorically required stitches. The wound was never going to heal properly with just a bandaid.
Today I value and love myself. I made a pinky promise to my kids that I would heal and never get to that point again. So that is where I am today. Living and loving life. Realizing that who I am is good enough and that I don’t have to change for anyone but myself.
~ Tracy Blocker