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Tears of a Clown

We live in world today that we have to put on so many masks to adapt ourselves to fit in whatever situation we find ourselves in. For many of us, this is habit or second nature to us, many of us don't even realize the immense amount of masks we've accumulated, and if your like me, there has been so many masks, you begin to question or wonder who or what your original self truly is. This can be one of the biggest struggles for us, not just as recovering addicts and/or alcoholics, but as the human race in whole. For many(most) people I encounter in person, on social media, and especially television this task of constantly changing who we are to fit the mold of the situation has become almost like a game or an "app", no one wants to be who they truly are anymore.

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Luckily, I find myself on the other end of that spectrum, I'm truly trying to find out who I am, demolishing as many masks as I can enroute. Some easier than others, some seem almost impossible. The biggest thing for me in this moment of my recovery and life is my self-awareness. Being able to recognize these masks, identify possible reasons of why they manifest, and most importantly not letting them take over has been something I've personally been trying to work on.

"The tears of a clown, when no one is around"-Smokey Robinson

One of the hardest masks to shake for me is "hiding behind the tears of a clown". This metaphor, meaning to put up a stronger or different self, or smiling when you feel like crying, or the famous "fake it til you make it" has been the story of my life. Things still hold very true to this saying in my day-to-day life, but again the recognition of the feelings or emotions that I am going through and identifying their root causes is healing in a majority of ways, but damn does it suck sometimes. Granted today I wear far less masks than I have before, but its these masks that I've been putting on for so long that impedes my journey on truly loving myself.

With a very select handful of people I've let peek behind some of my masks today along with my family who remembers the "old" Matt and continues to support me, I truly do feel better about myself and my life right now in this given moment than I ever have before. Thank you all for seeing behind some of the masks and blessing me to be apart of your lives. Slowly but surely, maybe one day I can say in my best Future voice "F*** it, mask off"!




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