
Halloween has always been one of my most favorite holidays, but mostly I think it was because it was a time to channel my inner demons, find another reason to get inebriated, and celebrate the dark lifestyle I was accustomed to. This year is different though, I am no longer worshipping the dark energy within me and instead enjoying the festivities and the joy that it brings to my children. Carving pumpkins is no longer a chore, walking around haunted houses and to community events no longer involves the perfect timing of when dad isn't too drunk, but drunk enough to go out in public. The biggest thing that is different though, is having my children look to me and rely on me to make their Halloween plans come true. I'm no longer the anchor holding everyone back, rather I am more like the navigator, steering my kids in the right direction. It feels good to be looked at as the source of fun, instead of the reason of misery.
Following Halloween, the rest of the holiday seasons are right around the corner as well. Normally I hate the holidays (mainly because I had to "behave" myself until the get-together is done), I always hated the forced emotions at family functions, the stress of making it seem like I had my shit together, and the never-ending ball of lies I was telling everyone. I am not entirely sure how the holidays are going to go this year, if I will even be invited (not sure the last time I was welcomed at a family function), but I do know one thing for sure, I am in a much better place than I was in previous years. I also know that no matter what happens, my kids will be (willingly) around and that is all I need.
Something else that could possibly be different this year is that I may be mobile, meaning there is a possibility of me having my driver's license and my own vehicle. This would give me the ability to not be a burden on others to let me tag along or leave if that's what I feel I need to do. This would alleviate some of the holiday stress immensely. See, with holidays comes a lot of trauma as well. Most of us who have spent a majority of their lives in active addiction, don't always have the best reputations or relationships with our families, this can bring up a lot of emotions and feelings that normally kept us in some sort of stupor. Sometimes the stress of the holidays, got us so worked up that we were a mess for days, sometimes weeks. I am beyond grateful that today I don't have to let those emotions get the best of me, and with the possibility of gaining this new freedom, feelings of fear, loneliness, regret, and trauma no longer have to play the leading factor of determining how the holiday season turns out. Halloween may be called the spooky season, but for me it was only the beginning of months of torture and hatred. I like what this life has brought me thus far, and with building old relationships and starting new traditions, the holidays are no longer a time to drown myself in sorrow, but instead bubble over in gratitude. Thank you for being along on this journey with me. Until next time...

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