Good afternoon everyone! I've missed you all and it's been a few days since I've been able to get on here. Just checking in today really. I've been busy with a project this week that's kept my nose-to-the-grind, or whatever that saying is.. Oh! Our little bird friend is ok, his name is Eduardo now(Eddy for short, thank you Negaunee!). He's been busy too, not coming around quite as often as he did at first. But we all get busy, so who knows when we'll see him.
This has been an interesting week. There's been a lot of opportunities to grow, and to be really honest, I haven't made the right choice at every crossroad. Getting angry. Or getting angry and calling it "righteous anger" is the first confession I have today. People wronging me, or maybe just getting on my last nerve on purpose. Torture therapy, you might say(you know who you are).. But..Even if I were to get the balance scales out to find enough "reason" for them to tip my way..is it right for me to feel that entitlement? There have been some choices in my personal life I've indulged, even though I know I am being called to a higher positive that these choices don't align with, that provide a minute or two of feels-goods.
I realized that no matter what my getting angry, even if it DOES get the point across sometimes, is always going to do some sort of bull-in-a-china-shop damage to someone, in some direction, in some way. And even though sometimes this "righteous anger" of mine has a root in something that makes sense(maybe even to more people than just me) I don't really know if, at face value, the damage it inevitably comes with is worth it to me or not. Yes, some of these anger-inducing situations are produced by things that need to change. But who made me the judge? Do I even have a right to bring it up or are we in a Mitchell-needs-to-learn-to-respond-rather-than-react situation? Hmm.. Is it even productive to mention here that this sense of righteous anger has saved me in the past from what could have been a lifetime of "consequences"? Maybe that's why I'm holding on to it, and listening to it more than I should? Another, beard-stroking, Hmm..
"getting angry is always going to do some sort of bull-in-a-china-shop damage to someone"
And when a temptation(to move on to the next thing), or old indulgence that has zero place or purpose in my life anymore, presents itself and I give in..that feel-good moment I'm expecting just isn't there like it once was. Am I broken? Is this the fruit of growth? I just sinned, didn't I? I'd like to think it's the latter. Either way, it leaves me in a place that's somewhat uncomfortable. I have to deal with the fallout of making the wrong decision. Repentance and humble pie aside, I think it's given me some insight that some of these old habits just aren't for me anymore(and never were, to begin with). It feels like my Heavenly Father(God, Higher Power, Source. Choose your own story there) used this for progression, even though it feels like a step backward in the moment. I think He wants me to take the steps forward (back to Him, and back to purpose)and that's what I am going to believe.
And before we all get too worried here..I didn't relapse, or give in to certain relationships I have with things and people that some of you know have been stumbling blocks for me in the past. We're talking sober people problems down this road.
All-in-all I feel these two things have been growing pains and as much as I'd like to go into them, I don't have the time tonight. Yes, I know, I need to spend more time with you guys. I'm working on it. I just wanted to get these things out here and get people thinking about some stuff and maybe, just maybe, you can take some steps forward with me.
I appreciate this time we get together. I'll probably be checking in tomorrow too, so I hope you all have a...fabulous ;) (for those of you following along) evening. Wish me luck in my adventure trying to be a notary!(we can talk more about that next time) And remember to contact me with questions, advice or just to say hi!(217recovery.com/mitchell)
Bye!