This last week's I've noticed and felt a lot of growth by doing things I've never done before and embracing things for the way they are. I've based a majority of my recovery time on this way of thinking, just taking things as they come. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work like that. Sometimes, if there is something that you really want, you have to put forth a little effort towards it or expressing your interest in it. If you want a job for example, you have to apply for it or if you really want/need something from the store, you have to go get it.
As much as people have pointed out and the amount I've noticed myself, I still feel like it isn't enough or I'm not pushing myself hard enough. This I know is my ego trying to tell me that I'm not doing good enough or in some instances telling me I'm doing way better than I am making me act different than I normally would. These are my growing pains. Knowing I'm growing but getting myself to stop trying to blow it out of proportion from one extreme to the other.
This is what I'm struggling the most with these days, do I stick with what I know is comfortable or do I keep pushing myself, going any which direction the wind pulls me? Without being in school for the summer and in between nights with the kids, I find myself alone with what seems like an endless amount of options, but none of them are achievable just running in place. I know I have to put the effort in while I just let things happen. Sometimes, this is a hard balance to maintain.
Today, I do have gratitude for having these high-class problems, and the ability to recognize the internal battle that goes on. I'm not referring to using in this sense, but rather the habits, intrusive thoughts, and self-doubt that led to the desire to run away from everything. I'm blessed to have searched within deep enough that the knowledge of the impermanence of everything, anything can be different in just a blink of an eye or after your next exhalation. Every solved problem comes with a new problem right behind it, just as that problem will have a new solution. Be present, recognize the growing pains, acknowledge them and simply release them from your control.
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