D.E.N.I.A.L(Don‘t Even Notice I Am Lying)
Denial is something that kept me bound to my addiction for a very long. Believing that I didn’t have a problem. Or I had it(my drinking and drug use)under control, even though it had landed me in jail, fights,and more blackouts then I care to remember(pun). But most of all I lied to myself. It was easier to pretend that the things I went through didn’t effect me. Or like I was this inferior person that couldn’t be hurt by people or situations. It was easier to put up a wall and numb it out. Or walk away from/ sabotage relationships before people could get to close or be given an a opportunity to hurt me. It was easier to think I could keep all the pain buried, and even hidden,because I dare not expose any tears or vulnerability. Those things I perceived as weakness. Having to hold it together through some tuff times, there was no way I was gonna punk out. Cry for what? What would it change? That way of life and those thoughts keep me sick. Even though at times prolly kept me alive mentally and emotionally. After coming into recovery I realized just how much I was lying to myself. How I was keeping my past alive by not putting it to rest properly. Secrets can’t stay buried. Nor can gaping wounds heal properly without proper care. Recovery has taught how to see the areas( life)that need attention and address them as/when needed. To look inside myself,calm,and validate. To be honest. To be vulnerable. To let my guard down. To hold myself accountable. So here we go: This past Sunday I wanted to drink or use more then I have since I first got sober(like the first few months of sobriety ). To the point that I was obsessing over it. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. I’ve been so overwhelmed that all I wanted was some relief. I wanted a drink or a drug so bad I could almost feel what it would be like those first few moments. And in those moments I didn’t want to play the tape( my go to), I didn’t wanna really reach out(be talked down from the ledge),or meditate. Or any of the things. I think I mustered up a half a$$ prayer. Which if I’m honest,it wasn’t to have God take that desire,urge or craving away, it was because I was terrified to be thinkin that way. So what did I do?
Well I didn’t use. And I let my boyfriend into those thoughts. And feelings. I shared with him just how scared I was to be thinking the way that I was. And I let him support me through it. And even though I knew at the time the way I was feeling had been building. I realized that it wasn’t just all of a sudden I wanted to get high. Its been three months of extreme stress. And I’ve been so overwhelmed by it all. My intense cravings almost got the best of me still. It reminded me that my addiction is alive and well. Waiting to comfort,keep me, soothe, be my best friend. LIE TO ME!
So as I’ve come to grips with this,and sort of went into an emotion/ mental detox, I’ve wondered how the hell I let myself get here in the first place. Have these past few months really been that bad? The answer is YES!!! Because of good old D.E.N.I.A.L. Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying. What have I been lying to myself about?? MY ANGER! Anger over all that’s happened these past few months. Not just worldly. But Also personally. My trauma and my past came with an ugly anger and sometimes rage. To the point it scared me. The darkness that was inside of me ran deep.But sobriety has gotten me to a place that I’m able to dig out the roots. However from time to time I still have to do some weeding. If I see it. It has come out enough that I don‘t like it. I don’t trust my anger. And subconsciously I’ve taught myself how to hide it. But just like secrets... it can’t stay buried. It’s been seeping out subtly( & not so subtl) all over the place. Mostly at home. And with the racial stuff, a lil online. I’ve been lying to myself. Denying myself the right to feel this anger. Allowing it to fester deep on the inside into a bitterness that almost cost it all. And I truly didn’t see it clearly until today. And only by Gods Grace during our devotional time. Im so grateful I told my guy what I was thinking. I’m so humbled to take it back to basics(that’s what he told me)and kinda go into detox. And I’m beyond words when it comes to Gods mercy and grace to still be sober one more day at a time to be able to look inside and see that I Didn’t Even Notice I Am Lying to myself.