Unearned Happiness

What an illusion the word happiness brings to so many. Especially those of us that have addictions or other things we struggle with such as mental health issues. I stayed sick for so long seeking to just be "happy". All I wanted was to feel good. Normal. Apart of. To feel as though I was accepted. By who exactly? I look back now and I honestly can't answer that question. And there were times that I went through these phases where I hated people,myself,and even God. I couldn't understand why I just couldn't be happy. I often questioned why lyfe was so crappy for "ME"? Why did things keep happening to "ME"? When ALL I wanted was to be "Happy"!!!

At the end of my using I was anything but happy. In fact my drug addiction had turned on me dramatically. And all it brought to my soul was misery. The more I drank and popped pills,the more unhappy I was. The sad depressed state I was in when I was under the influence is probably what saved my lyfe.

It was in the those times that I was desperate enough to call out to God,because the drugs weren't working!!! And I had called out to Him many other times before that in a desperate state of mind. But it was for different reasons. You know the"Lord if only you let me make it through this{sick,room spinning,puking,hungover},I promise i'll never drink again". Or on my way to jail,court,sentencing,homelessness etc. But something had changed about these pleas for help at the end. And they became"Lord please help me","Lord I need you","Lord I can't do this anymore". It was as if my soul finally found away to express itself out loud. Finally!! It was tired of searching and seeking out happiness. And it had realized that the inebriated state of being was a miserable state of being.No where near close to a happy state of being. I am forever gr8ful for the process it took. And that I didn't have to keep going that way. I had more then enough negative consequences to give me incentive to stop. None were ever enough. I hate to think how much more it could've cost me. When I look back and see that I wasn't me then. That I had completely given myself over in a desire to just be "happy".

Today for "ME", there is no such thing as happiness. It's definitely not something i'm chasing after. I am well aware of that empty search. Today for me there is contentment and peace. I get these things from accepting the things I can not change and accepting that all is exactly how it's suppose to be. Even the crazy that's in the world today. When I do that I can release my control. Cause Lord knows I didn't(still don't)do well trying to change things I can't or that i'm not meant to. Whether it be people,situations or my own feelings and emotions. I've also come to know that I don't just deserve to be happy. I mean that in the way as if i'm doing something so grand or great that it's some privilege that God and the universe must bestow upon me. And if I start to get in the mindset,God is reminding me that i'm taking other things for granted. That there's ALWAYS something to be gr8ful for. And if I get so self centered that I can't bring myself to be gr8ful for my own blessings,then I can certainly find His blessings in other peoples lives and be gr8ful for that!!!!!!

Contentment is deep within me today, and I find comfort and peace in that. I find peace in knowing that painful,sad,and hurt feelings are all apart of what makes me human. With that comes some closure in the connection I seek. Every human being experiences these things. We all have experienced things painful enough to bring us to our knees. Even if it's our own self destruction. Some maybe not as extreme as others. The next step is how we deal with and accept it as normal. For addicts without surrender and recovery it almost impossible. There is almost 0 hope. And a lot of running away from and numbing our spirit beings. A lot of happiness seeking,or surrender to hopelessness.

But there is hope. Mine came in the form of soul desperation. Other's hope may come in the form of jail,rehab,the loss of something our someone. And even after realizing there is hope. There is then work. Happiness will not just be handed over gift wrapped in sunshine and unicorn farts. And its prolly gonna look completely different then the webster dictionary version we seek. It may be through some white knuckle barely holding on,ready to give up,and feeling like it's not worth it because of how hard it is to feel and accept what is. It will be through reprogramming your thoughts to quit lying to you,and feeding you illusions of what lyfe/happiness is suppose to be. It'll be through thoughts of relapse,and negative self talk,and painful memories of yesterday and the surrender of it all. For this is actually the ONLY way to truly heal and get to a place where you appreciate the process and accept it for what it is. And it being just as it should be.

So if your out there struggling to be happy(especially in active addiction or early recovery)chasing after it through negative actions(especially drugs or alcohol),thoughts and other people, you may find that your constantly coming up short or you find it but its not lasting. Or it feels like its not enough.Your probably seeking some thing that doesn't exist. An illusion. Or running away from a very necessary process of healing.Instead seek after contentment and peace. And seek after ways that will bring you that. For me it's only through counseling/Therapy(talking about the things/memories in my head and receiving validation or things I can do to work on and improve my view or the way I see myself; usually the way I think others see me is actually how I see myself),recovery coaching(someone who's been there done that and can encourage,problem solve/trouble shoot with me),Sitting outside or by the lake(nature) working out(release the almighty dopamine through self care and staying healthy)and other self care(manicures,facials,step work with a sponsor or any kind of self help) But most importantly surrender to a higher power through prayer and meditation. Surrender to the fact that recovery can be painful. But it's worth a hell of a lot more then staying sick and stuck in that endless loop. Chasing after a dream. The fog will eventually clear,the tears may fall,and it will hurt. But by God.... that's how you'll know your real. And after a while you'll feel NOT like you DESERVE it(happiness). That sounds and seems like some reward for something. But like like your worth it.And you'll find that peace and contentment in KNOWING that everything is as it should be(even your struggles). I can see the blessings in all my pain as it heals(as I work for it). I can be gr8ful for things I never would've even thought about before and I can do my best to carry this VERY REAL message to others that may struggle with this illusion of what 'happiness' is. I'll take contentment over happiness any day.

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