• Anna

Two Thumbs, Way Way Up

Siskel and Ebert gives it two thumbs up, or maybe down; either way, this pair were given a well payed job to pick artists, writers, engineers, (and all other realms of videography), apart only based on two middle aged men’s opinions. And you know what they say about opinions, oh boy if that old saying isn’t the God’s honest truth. I’ll never forget a short goalcast made by a talented young man named Adam Roa; it was played for a group of us while I was in residential treatment. “You Are Who You’ve Been Looking For”, where he poetically shares how horrid we are to ourselves. Then asks if we would do that to our loved ones. Almost all would say no; then the challenge. “Treat yourself like someone you love!” I used to always say, “Go ahead and say whatever it is you have to say about me, to me. I can assure you I exceed the negative self talk, reiterate my lack of worthiness, and am just down right cruel to myself. When we are little, in a perfect world, a child is loved and adored. Told daily how much they are loved, hugged, kissed, eat well balanced meals as a family, read to, and tucked in with a kiss paired with “I love you”. Then we grow older and meet Mr or Mrs Right, with hopes they love us unconditionally, never laying an aggressive hand on our bodies, words on our ears, and disgust and absence to our eyes. The harsh reality is: this is not even close to most of our stories, we didn’t know how to heal so we did what was taught and comforting to recreate what was subconsciously “normal”. What in the hell does normal even look like? I don’t believe it’s any realer than the tooth fairy or the Easter bunny. What I’m about to share, is something very personal that used to torment me daily, and I hated when I was growing up. And some days, I still just feel so big and gargantuan. I am 5’11, and last weighed I was 157 lbs. I‘ve came a long way accepting these numbers, however, as a young girl through adolescences, I had 0 tolerance and felt mortified having most of my female friends measuring no taller than 5’4 and weighing 120 lbs, I felt massive. And I’d be lying if I said I don’t still have days like that.

1.) A compliment from a stranger

2.) Snuggles under warm blankets on cold days

3.) A perfect cup of coffee (again, my perfect and your perfect I guarantee vary from one to the other and guess what? That’s ok!!)

4.) My daughter’s smiles and laughter

5.) Knowing that you did your best, we’re kind to others and strived to be your best at the end of your day

6.) Revelations and reminders of just how much people love you when you are feeling so alone

7.) Unconditional love

8.) Elise Corinne, mommy loves you so very much ♥️💗

9.) My beautiful, loving, and devoted wife

10.) My mother, the source of all that is good in me and my bonus second father, whom I’m so grateful my mom found and has been a huge part of our family.

I know how easy it is to look in the mirror and pick yourself apart; trust me, I do it wayyyy too often. I know what it is like to replay past mistakes like old rolls of film, to the point that it holds you and your happiness hostage; I am still working on that daily. I also know each and every one of us has a purpose, each and everyone of us hold infinite worth, and last, but certainly not least. That box we all have been or still are trapped deep inside; left with 0 room to grow. We are the ones who manufactured it to protect ourselves or have even picked up a shovel to help dig that early grace for that poor neglected little boxed human who didn’t know how to say, “ENOUGH”. So treat yourself like someone you love, show people what you are worth; of you don’t respect you, realistically, most won’t either. And as always, if no one has told you they love you today, I, without a shadow of doubt, most certainly love you and see your worth; not your bank roll, or your social status, not your appearance, or your style. This I promise you.

Yours truly,


Anna





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