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Sometimes I'm Afraid

Laying in bed on Friday night, alone and in my own thoughts, I realized I was afraid. All of these plans I'm moving forward with in life are happening, and I have no idea what I'm doing. This is the first time I've had so much opportunity. My track record would tell you here's where I purposely throw an interception so I don't have to do all the work of driving the team downfield, only to fail at the goal line. I'm talking about self sabotage, that's something I mastered in my old life. Hell, I could go back to it in a heartbeat if I really wanted. I could throw everything I've worked for away with just one drink, one joint, one line. That's how quick it can all be gone, then I don't have to be afraid anymore. I could just snuggle right into the feelings of uselessness, hopelessness, and the misery that I'm so used to. I'd make sure to throw the biggest pity party for myself too, it'd be the biggest one I've ever thrown. I could use the excuse of pressure... relapse is a part of recovery... I'm not happy with my career... Everyone knew I'd drink again... God hates me, or the Devil made me do it. Just typing those excuses has me shaking my head. I'm sure I've already used all of those excuses and probably more at one point in my life. The truth is I'm too tired of that life to use them again. This time on Friday night, I decided to pray about the fear I was feeling. I asked God to take it away, or make it manageable by giving me more faith in his plan. On Saturday morning when I woke up, I felt relieved and I had no idea what was coming the next night. I was asked a very serious question about 217 Recovery Rides and I had no clue how to answer it. We're going to be in high demand once 217 Recovery Rides start up, but we won't be able to help everyone who calls for a ride. To think of all the people we won't be able to help and how frustrated they'll be, this frustration will reflect on 217 Recovery and ultimately me. This is when the fear crept back in and this time it was ten fold. The plan we came up with is to help who we can and document all of those we can't so we can really show how much this service is needed. This is God's plan, he's just given me the vision to move forward with it. Who'd of thought, we could be driving addicts to recovery meetings so they can feel the sense of community they've been missing in active addiction and isolation. If I told you I'm no longer afraid I'd be lying, but I am putting my trust in a higher power and even if I fail, or am scrutinized, it too was a part of the plan and will go just how it's supposed to.


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