• Anna

Because She Loves Me ❤️

Updated: May 20, 2020

Moments when I think someone so important in my life isn’t listening to me or completely disregards something of value and meaning; especially in those moments I’m fighting one of my many internal battles (and not acknowledging it). Fighting that internal battle of hurt, anger, and feelings of inadequacy. When unrealistic expectations are at an all time high, my thoughts are, “Am I supposed to get over it or let things go??” And in those moments, it feels damn near impossible. Maybe, subconsciously, I want to be upset and feel my feelings of victimization...after all, they are MY feelings. Whether it’s a shirt I like and you don’t, something I’m driven with passion to pursue isn’t validated; or a person has wandered down the dark path, lost in the endless abyss where there is absence of light, In which I feel some guilt, almost as if I am responsible and forever indebted to single handedly conquering this disease. I get overly defensive, looking for comfort in chaos, irrationally seeking rejection and a discontented desire, in that moment, of wanting to feel those feelings of injustice. The agonizing anxiety and feelings of discontent I feel, isn’t with this human who’s opinion I value and feel need of their approval to matter as a decent human being. That expectation that they should just listen out of respect. My irrational thought, “I bet they won’t listen, what if you don’t even care, in fact, I’m probably more trouble than I’m worth.“ Rational thoughts, that’s what we do when we know the best of those we truly love, and also to listen to me when I talk and understand completely without interjecting their thoughts, their views, and their feelings. Wanting them to want more and the best version of self for them, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say for me as well. When really; I don’t take the time to consider we all perceive, react, and respond on very different levels based on our own past experiences and self worth. So wait, you can’t read my racing thoughts, know each insecurity and emotional ties that have been festering inside for years, troubling me to the point of almost no return, almost. Then however, you completely blow me away, the aptitude for understanding my deepest darkest secrets , internal guilt, shame, and hurts of my past. The depths of your concern, when I’m riddled with worry and doubt; you are nauseatingly disheartened and my tears bring you to tears. And these tears of yours, they aren’t flowing from your past, trauma, or pain; they flow from a deep ache in your heart of empathy and unconditional love for me. The same me I had convinced insignificant beyond imaginable. Anything but. When I truly remove my selfish blinders and notice how you not just listen with your ears, you listen with your heart and soul; not my once assuming body to respond and argue. You do things outside of yourself that are so thoughtful, so kind, and completely selfless. We may speak very different love languages, however, once I stop trying so hard to fit that circle into the square and let go of all those unrealistic expectations that are honestly my own insecurities from my past. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, how truly, fully, madly, and deeply you don’t just love me. You love me without conditions, you want me to let go and work through my past, and not so you don’t have to deal with my “baggage”, but because you’ve always seen my heart and not my hang ups. You knew my worth when I thought I was worthless, and you tell me how beautiful I am when I feel anything but. I let go of old wounds bleeding on my present, and allow your unconditional love in the way you know best and give it back knowing that my heart is safe in your hands. Thank you for loving me and seeing my inner self always, not giving up...and being my wife Jamie Lynn ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Love Always,

Your forever work in progress and No wife...Anna xoxo

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