Persistent Confessions

Updated: May 15, 2020

I don't think I've ever been more grateful for my life as I am now. And I think its because its the most honest I've ever been with myself and others. There are things I would've most likely hid before. Or even refused to acknowledge even to myself. I'm loving the level of vulnerability it brings out in me. Even though I don't really like to be vulnerable. But its a pattern that's being broken. That pattern is allowing walls to come down and healing to take place in some dark places.

I was hurt at a very young age. And exposed to some very damaging things. Things that changed not only how I coped but how I would later see the world,people,and myself. It's crazy that I never had someone tell me that I was nothing,or that I would never amount to anything or that I was worthless for me to take on those negative beliefs. I guess the opposite{your enough,your worthy,your priceless,your beautiful} of hearing those things{not hearing positive affirmation} would have the same affect. The affects of some of my past was almost catastrophic{almost}.

When I stepped into sobriety I was clueless how to live. How to love.How to nurture. All I knew was that the chemicals were no longer my friends!! I knew I had to get humble with my HP real quick. And that was and is still one of my constant prayers.Lord keep me humble and grateful. I did not have a clue how hard recovery would be. How much work would be needed. How real and raw I would have to get. And for this woman in recovery...I'm only scratching the surface.

Last week I came to a realization of some of the severity of the things I went through,and how it affects me today. I can remember saying "I would never" so many things that I indeed,did do and still do. One of those things is some of my ways of parenting. Some of the things I say or do presently is some of those "I would never's'". As I strive to do the very best I can with what I know and don't know,I see some of my ugly lil defects alive and well lately. Some of the ones that need more work are being taught to me through my children. Another shocker.

As I set goals for my parenting and try to obtain them,I find myself failing at certain ones repeatedly. It's so frustrating. Graciously and so patiently my higher power speaks to me through other people's encouraging words, a song,prayer,and at times He even gently scolds me. Very much needed scolding. Its in those times I confess my failure{again},and I not only see my weaknesses but find a level of tolerance for them. Because I'm not perfect. I'm never going to be. Inevitably I parent the way I was parented,or wasn't parented. And it breaks my heart. Because in my mind I want to do so differently then what I experienced. But it's impossible at times because its all I know. And the way I want to do it,is also something that I'm literally learning to do for myself. Trying to give ME the missing pieces while also giving those pieces to my children at the same time is like some crrraazzzzyyy balance umkay!! Sometimes I feel like as fast as I gain a piece of myself, I give it away to one or both them.I got emotional writing that. It has gotten easier to realize and admit that at times i'm totally selfish as a parent. I guess it's ok at times,and other times not so much. Having them need me when I'm not doin well,or my depression is rearing it's ugly little head or my anxiety is through the roof is still quite the balancing act. This is where I'm grateful that they have their own counseling sessions. As I'm sure that I can be a handful to them too at times. But also so they can also get their emotions out and processed when I'm incapable.

I guess it all boils down to being honest with myself. And being willing to look a little bit further into the past at times to see that there is lots of work still left to be done. Many layers need to be healed yet. And learning how to tolerate myself right where I am. And not compare it to what I know. Or don't know. Or even what I strive for it to be. However I just need to confess what truly is wrong{sometimes to my babies} to my higher power,and allow Him to show me whats TRUE. That I'm persistently trying! Not failing. Making mistakes.But never giving up! And still learning how to live,love,and nurture US!!!

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