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Patience in Affliction




A few weeks back, I was talking with Justin and Mitchell about how I struggle to write when my head feels overfilled. Like maybe if I put my chaos out there it wouldn’t be beneficial to those that read it. Right now though, I am grateful for Justin’s response. He said sometimes, people feel validated when they see others speaking on their hard times. They feel less alone.

Lately, life has been unpredictable and out of control. The last few months I have had so many terrible things said to me. I have had people I trusted in my life betray me on a level that I will never be able to understand, and then later laugh about how easy it is to do so, about how I am nothing but a source of convenience for people to take advantage of.

Although most of those incidents took place months ago, the words still cycle through my head. Family has treated me like an emotional punching bag, never taken accountability for those moments, and then skidded on by with life, while I carry those words. Things got patched up, but it’s like those hurtful moments never happened to begin with, and I’m the only one that has to live with them.

I am working. I am keeping up with school, and miraculously passed my midterms. I am creating and collaborating and putting as much good out in the world as I can. I am making sure my son has memories I never had the option of having. I’m preparing for a very long awaited reunion with my dad who has been deployed for far too long, and my baby brother graduating soon after. I’m taking care of my health, and surprisingly keeping my mental health very stable with all factor considered.

I should be celebrating, because at face value it would appear to anyone that I am succeeding and thriving. I wish so badly it felt that way, but with everything going on it just feels like there isn’t any balance. To some people I am too much. I have too big of feelings, I show up so loudly for those I love, and I maintain boundaries and communicate them too bluntly. To others, with everything on my plate I am simply not capable of doing enough.

I know, that so many of these concerns of balance will work out with time. I only have a semester and a half before my degree, I have a new job opportunity that pays better and has more manageable hours, and the sun will be out soon- I’ll be hiking and feel the wind in my hair while I listen to music with the window down.

Right now, I wish I could find the patience and grace I constantly give everyone else, and give a little to myself. I wish I could find ways to get in a celebrating mood, and do so with those that love me. Because the majority of my “too much/too little” thoughts, are just words from people that aren’t even in my life cycling unnecessarily. I know in my heart that all of my troubles are temporary afflictions, and I know that the grace and patience is in me.

In the mean time, I make my bed every morning and have comfy sweats waiting for me at the end of my long and admittedly a little bit lonely days. I turn up the heat in my car, so I can feel the wind in my hair for a few moments while the music blares from my speakers. (And no Mitchell, there are no voodoo dolls involved with my Taylor Swift sessions… for now.) Every time my child laughs, I will stop and soak up the sound. I will write to you guys on the days I feel that even the people that tell me I can talk to them, I can’t bring myself to do so.

I will give it time. I will keep putting in the work. I will keep having my big feelings, and I will process them. Sometimes on my own and sometimes with others.

I hope that any of you facing affliction, find your little moments and do the same. The sun will shine again, and we will celebrate, we will get there.

Be Safe,

Claira

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Sounds exactly like what someone how has voodoo dolls with Tay Tay music would say... 😏



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