Today is September 2nd, 2020; yesterday I was suppose to get my license back. (I didn’t and I wanted to freak out because it was due to yet again human error and miscommunication; however that’s another blog topic.) One of the many of countless things I lost/gave away during my nightmare-ish drinking days. I used to sit and replay the past, and as I would start adding up all the things left behind, thousands and thousands of dollars; I feel my throat tighten, my fists clench, my heart rate quicken, and the redness rise almost like a steeping teapot...ready to explode. Who is this going to affect in all reality? Certainly not those that took advantage of me or let me clarify that. That I allowed to, and let’s be honest, that I willingly gave away. You see, every time I picked that forsaken bottle back up and United with my lips; I was making a choice. I’m not going to sit here and debate about disease vs disorder, condition of circumstances vs product of environment. All have pets played in the sick and sadistic reality of addiction. And let’s be honest, these are all just things, inanimate objects, simple objects that do not define me in any way, shape or form.
Letting this go, forgiving others, but mostly; forgiving yourself, are essential to ever be free from that mental prison that encompasses your every ounce of tour every being. This is what I still struggle with, this is what I am turning my main focus on, this will be the only way I will ever be present and be ok with the idea of being happy. Because I am allowed to be happy, you are allowed to be happy; without guilt or shame from the past and letting go of all that no longer serves you and I.
1.) Trying something new
2.) Patience; bless those that have it
5.) Ice cream
6.) Bold ginger ale
7.) Unconditional love
8.) Elise Corinne
9.) Jamie, my beautiful wife who celebrated 17 months sober yesterday on the 1st. Congrats baby
10.) God’s grace
Am I a victim or am I enjoying the victories, all of them, even the tiny ones. Those are what compile and add up into the big ones!
And if no one has told you they love you today, I love you. Yours truly,