Updated: May 22
Protecting myself is something that I learned how to do at a very young age without even realizing that I was doing it. It's amazing how were born with this instinct. It's one of the skills I'm most gr8ful for. While it's become a strength,it also at times is my biggest weakness. As it is attached to a couple of my other glitches(defects). One being my numbing out,the other being my inner rebel.
My numbing is something that was necessary for a child that wasn't ready to cope with situations or emotions that even the strongest of adults can't process and cope with. And served as a barrier or cushion to shut down feelings that would've surely pushed me over the edge. The problem with that is it became the only way I learned to deal with any emotion. Happy,sad,lonely,afraid etc. When I begin(12 or 13yrs old) using drugs and alcohol that became my safe place to hide my emotions(in the high). Of course until they started to betray me. By this time my numb turned itself on and off. I no longer had control over it. And although I'm way better at it 3+ yrs sober,as I continue to peel back the layers of the onion,and heal and remember certain things that my brain blocked,feelings emerge that I'm not prepared for. And I don't even realize my emotions desensitizing themselves. Or that certain triggers have dulled my ability to feel.
And then there's my resistance. Good ole defiance!!! This one got me in a lot of trouble. Not just with the law,but with my own self. Until I had kids,their was not a whole lot you could tell me,about anything that I would listen to. I was the only one I was hurting at the time. And I didn't care enough about me to wanna stop. Even though I was miserable. There didn't seem to be a way out. And even when I came close to a way,or I would start to do good(my version of manage),that was to much. Eventually setting off my self sabotage. And failure at whatever it was,would soon follow. It seemed that chaos was the only way felt cozy in my skin. It was normal. And I had accepted that as my way of life.
And here we are today going strong in recovery. However I still have my struggles. Resistance becoming a language and something that co-exist along side my healthy and unhealthy habits. Still to this day I resist change. Good,bad, or necessary. There's my inner rebel ready to sabotage. Ready to tell me "Hell no were not doing this". Whether it's another task. A job I don't want. Something suggested by someone else that may be helpful. Just str8 defiant!!! Sometimes it's silent. But very active. And again I don't realize it's even happening until ish has began to hit the fan.
Recovery is such a beautiful thing. It has allowed me to get to know myself enough to shed grace. To accept this about myself instead of try and beat myself up about it. Accepting it allows me to see it for what it is. And also to see the pattern more clearly. Although it's something I know that I have to continuously work on,iv'e learned I can't do that if I resist what it is,or the purpose it once served in my life at one point. Nor can I change something I can't see. Or understand. I've come to believe some of it is still the lie I tell myself. The "I'm not worthy"or "I'm not worth it's".Whether it' s a relationship,or just a something as simple as a lack of chaos. Learning what to resist and what not to resist can be a frustrating conflict to have. But i'm no longer ashamed of it. Or to admit it exist. It's just apart of my journey. I also accept that some areas need a lot more work then others. Ironically enough it serves a beautiful purpose as well. I don't resist the thought that I can NEVER successfully use drugs or alcohol. Or that I don't need anyone else's help or support along the way. I no longer resist the thought that I don't got this. Whatever this for the moment is. I no longer resist crying out to my higher power even if and when it's in anger sometimes. I no longer resist admitting failure ,or that i'm wrong when i'm wrong,even if it's to a 6yr. old. And i'm learning how to not resist love. Something we all want and crave,in order to continue the facade that i'm a bad ass that can't be hurt. I no longer resist vulnerability(clearly),even though the old me would NEVAHH!!! Most importantly I don't resist acceptance of who I am. It's just apart of my recovery language. A part I no longer resist!