• Anna

Missing Her

I just miss her, like the stars would miss the moon, and pleasure without the pain. I feel some days as if a fire without her flame, and how the earth would miss the rain. At times, it feels as if my heart absent of the blood to pump through my veins; going through the motions without it’s soul purpose; still thriving, but in vain.

All I ever wanted if life was to be a mommy and have a family; today I am a mommy, and I also have a family. I need to remind myself that I will always be Elise Corinne’s mommy, regardless if she is with me or not. I’ve seen my daughter twice in those God given 18 months, once for 10 minutes, and the other for half a day. Each time I was present and enjoyed every moment, when I’d turn to the goodbye, forcing to refocus on the now. There is only one thing stronger than a mother’s love; and that’s a mother’s guilt. This is my biggest challenge, my daily struggle, and my cross to bear. I don’t know what the future holds, however I know it’s not a bottle, and I will continue to work on the best version of self. To be freed from any bondage, allow myself to be happy and present, and not take away what I have or the time with those in my life physically present today.

1.) Freedom of all forms

2.) My daughters laughter

3.) My daughter’s kisses, hugs, and all the snuggles we have had and will in the future

4.) Patience; God knows I struggle with this

5.) Forgiveness

6.) Healing

7.) Unconditional love

8.) Elise Corinne

9.) My wife and the love she shows me daily

10.) My family

I use to say my biggest fear was Elise will grow up thinking mommy never loved her or she was never enough; Elise, you are enough, always have been and always will be. And mommy loves you and has before she even met you more than earthly measures; mommy didn’t love herself or know she was worthy of love and enough. I don’t know what the future holds exactly and I for sure know it will never look like or be in my time frame. I do know my God wants me to be happy, and he knows nothing would make me happier than to be with that beautiful little girl that is Elise.

Have a blessed week everyone.

Yours truly,


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