Updated: Aug 10
As the recent storms have blown through,I have felt it was more then a reflection of my life this year! I swear it has felt like one thing after another. The start of this year reined in a
lot of change. From me starting a new job,to my son having his challenges and me choosing to give up that job because he needed me. There was a failed toxic entanglement(LMBO) in the process of that. Then u add in Covid, lock down,the loss of meetings,church and human inner action etc..the misting had began...I didn't realize at that time but that was the start of a storm brewing. A rain that trickled at times and at others was a down right tsunami!! A constant down pour that just didn't seem to stop. To the point that I was completely engulfed and felt like my only relief would be a drink at one point. Just 10 minutes of bliss(that's all it would've lasted).
Before covid I was in a process of change that I was'nt ready for(are we ever),but accepted and knew that my recovery needed to be strengthened in order to get through it. I understood I needed more meetings. And also needed to get back into working on my step work as well as meeting with my sponsor. But the lock down kinda froze everything in time. I was doing the zoom meetings until virtual technology became the only way to communicate leaving me to feel like it was just another task versus connection. In it all I kept telling myself I was doing ok,even after realizing my depression was beyond triggered. And by this time I was in another entanglement that started out virtual as well. Allowing for feelings and a commitment before it was actually physical in anyway. However I think this became my sunshine,that broke through the storm clouds periodically. My happy place. But also a distraction. I dove into this relationship and let it kinda take over. I consumed myself and obsessed about it constantly. I ignored any red flags(as I've realized I always do),putting my whole trust and heart into what would become yet another failed attempt. And on my part expected/wanted perfection(I see now).However this man was also my friend,and who I confided in that I wanted to use and he gave me the words of encouragement,and a level of strength that helped me to stay sober for another 24hrs. And for that I am forever gr8ful. Even if his only purpose in my life was for that moment,then to God be the glory.
At the point of breakup I was already starting to evaluate where I was in my recovery and it wasn't a good place. I had only done 1 zoom in 2 1/2 months,no step work,no meetings with my sponsor,and there still wasn't really in person meetings. A total dry drunk by this time. Full of resentment and bitterness/anger over all these events and changes,very discontent and almost no peace. Man was it still raining. I mean i'm a city under water by this time. Or so it would seem.
But God...I can never praise Him enough. I know it is only by His grace that i'm still sober . And previous prayed prayers to keep me honest,humble and now......even more willing. As painful as this break up was, it was necessary to get me to this place of brutal honesty. What it has allowed me to see is a pattern, not just in this relationship,but with ALL relationships. Even with God. I've been able to identify a repeated cycle that pretty much keeps ending the same way (especially romantic). A pattern where my shortcomings scream loud and clear. And though I don't like it,I needed to not just see it,but do sumthing about it. Step out of the denial(Don't Even No I Am Lying). Because I've been told I was this way,I just didn't want to see it. Or thought:Well if i'm doing this or that then whats being said can't be true. I've continued to lie to myself until I realized that different people can't see this same crappy quality in me if there is not some truth to it. I also keep getting to this stuck place in my recovery as well. You combine it all and what's left??? Well more change of course!! That's if I wanna continue to not only work an honest program,but be in line with Gods will for my life. And being in line with Him requires honesty with Him especially.
I know that I can't do anything without Him. Even be honest with Him. I have to ask Him"Well what am I missing that continues to fuel these behaviors instead of change them?" .. and the answer is healing and acceptance. So my prayer becomes"Lord take the blinders off my heart and my mind". Illuminate all the dark places. Because though these defects exist,they're not intentional or malicious. I haven't allowed these flaws to exist on a conscience.But rather they've just been apart of some of the toxicity of my life for so long,it was almost just natural. And survival.
Holy crap honesty and vulnerability;Lets get it.....Truth is in most relationships a lot of my addictive qualities still remain. Only instead of the drugs,there's people ,situations,and emotions. All that I have been manipulating for a desired outcome. Remember I said even my relationship with God. My poor children have been affected by this as well. Now you may think I'm beating up on myself,when really i'm just taking accountability. Mostly because God has shown me that as bad as things are,there is more room for the good. You see I was doing the best I could even when that best was sadly hurting other people along with myself. That's what it took for me to see that my repeated failure in relationship with other people was very similar to that of my substance addiction;INSANITY. Repeating the same patterns wanting different results. Having no tolerance for people and situational shortcomings but wanting them to have grace for me and mine. My pride(false pride) and ego has kept me bound for far to long. Choking the life out each relationship,manipulating to get my way. Replacing one romantic relationship for the next. All very selfish and controlling tactics to feed my emotional high,or keep me distracted from myself and my true feelings. All a trauma response and an attempted to hide under the umbrella from the rain. There has been some serious enlightenment in all this. I see where I've been trying to get this nourishment,love and affection that was never given as a child. That I've been trying to feed a neglected part of my soul with outward sources by any means necessary(sound familiar). Trauma therapy is helping me get to that place. A place where I can acknowledge that it's to late to get that type of fulfillment. At least from another human being.
Yesterday when I woke up and it was storming yet again,I found myself asking REALLY??? More rain? And my higher power took right over. The blinders were off.I no longer see that my life was just being drowned out by the rain(poor me). And I'm trying to stop beating myself up over these flaws that have been a necessity(survival) for so long. My whole outlook and perception has changed. Rather I see this rain for exactly what it is. Renewal. Refreshment. Essential to my recovery and the washing away of these old survival patterns that have existed probably since i was 3 years old,which is the first time I encountered sadness and inappropriateness that began to shape and change me up til this point. And now rather then try and find that piece of me that I lost back then,or the emotional fulfillment and nurturing that I was never taught,I'm letting the rain wash it all away. I'm letting all the ugly things water me and finally allow myself WILLING to grow. The process of this flood of tears and emotion is exactly what I needed.I needed the flood to get to another layer of growth. Soooooo as I venture into step 7,I can gladly say Lord THANK YOU for this rain.