When I look at this picture it baffles me just how innocent and pure I was. As children we have such a clean blank slate. And literally everything we know we’re re either taught directly or indirectly. Some would say we are born a certain way. I do believe that we are predisposed to certain things. Addictions,poverty, racism being a few. Over the course of the past few weeks I have been deeply troubled by the world we live in. And I’ve been personally affected by the death of George Floyd on so many levels. Not just the injustices of oppression and racism’s. Although it’s takin a lot of processing seeing him murdered before I could get to the other portions of why I was so bothered(though his death is enough). George was more then just a black man murdered. He was a human being. One it seems that had some struggles with a few things that I’ve had to deal with. I can’t call Mr. Floyd an addict. But reports would suggest he had struggles with substances. And also a criminal record (which could’ve been related to his substance use). But even more then that, it’s reported that he was trying to get his life together. And there’s even video clips of him giving positive messages via social media. All these things combined have really broke me.
As an addict I know all to well what it’s like to wanna change. I know what it’s like to make terrible mistakes that have devastating consequence like breaking the law. I know what it’s like to recognize that I’m different then the life I live, or the person that does terrible things when under the influence. I knew I was meant for a much greater purpose even though my life setting was self sabotage. And I also know what it’s like to be looked at, treated different or even hated because of the color of my skin. Being a minority can bring with it many challenges. Now tack on all those other things I have in common with Mr. Floyd. And we become even more similar. Those things have caused me to have even more anguish over the situation, leaving me to feel as though the cards are sometimes stacked against me.?! And that can be a lot to overcome. And I wonder... Did George perhaps feel that way at times. That had been my perception these past few weeks. Total victim mode. And I was starting to get bitter! Especially when someone calls him a drug addict who was a criminal. I would get so upset that people would even mention it. Just feels like another injustice. Because if he did have substance abuse issues. Then he had a disease. One that he had no control over. A disease that prolly contributed to some really bad choices.
Now the issue of racism. When I change my perception I can extend some grace. I will never understand what it’s like to hate someone because of there skin. But I can see the ignorance I’m all humans and total lack of understanding of all races, cultures, backgrounds,stigmas,sexual orientations and even religions. And also the hatred. And this is how I have to look at it in order to be ok within myself emotionally, mentally and most of all spiritually. There is no doubt in my mind that black people are more likely to be killed by police with no consequence,unfairly sentenced for crimes/falsely accused discriminated against, and have prejudice against,as well as continued oppression against us simply because we’re black. Were not treated equal. I have experienced it. And so have my children. And unfortunately I have to teach my children about it and that this may be sumthin that never changes. It’s horrible. And it’s scary. And I worry. Even sending them out to play. Will it ever change? Will we ever evolve past this hatred of each other?
My higher powers answer to me: “You evolve Jeaneshia! Worry about your soul, your intentions for me. And the rest is not up to you”. But how do I do that? I ask. By loving everyone the way He loves. By seeing everyone through His eyes. I’m well aware that I don’t get some special measure of Gods Grace. But that He’ll give it generously to all who ask. Even to those who hate. Or condemn. Or hurt(murder) other people. No one is beyond forgiveness. Or His love. And I have to teach it to my children. How to love even when there hated. How to filter people through Gods eyes. How to live in harmony. Even while taking a stand if necessary! In recovery fellowship we are taught we are one. We certainly come from all walks of life. From the homeless living on the street to the folks living in million dollar homes. We have that common thread...Addiction. As I celebrate 3 1/2 yrs(6/9/2020).. I look at how I evolved in recovery. To the point that I don’t announce myself as an addict. But rather that I’m in recovery(because I’m not actively using). And with the killing of George Floyd my thinking has had to evolve even more. To a point where even though I stood in protest, I still could and would stand with police officers as well. Its evolved enough to ask"Lord is there any prejudice in me?". Enough to ask Him" please reveal where I might have some of this ignorance" And also help me to be rid of what may be spawned off other‘s hatred towards me(a reponse to) . And this is where He says.... you are forever evolving. Simply because it’s the prayer of your heart.