Every minute of every day we are faced with decisions we have to make, some miniscule and some gigantic, and millions somewhere in between. I never realized how impactful each and every one truly is until I made my recovery journey. Each decision leads to an outcome that will in turn result in having to make another decision. If I had made this realization in the midst of my long tenure fighting drug and alcohol abuse it probably would have thrown me over the edge, either going crazy or falling victim to and succumbing to the years of abuse and becoming another statistic leaving my loved ones alone to pick up the damage.
Today my decisions are on a different level than they have been in the past, but in some ways they have even more life altering results. I know no matter the decision I make I'm going to probably upset someone or disappoint them, but now these sober people decisions are taking things to another level. I started writing these blogs with the decision already made up that I was going to try and graduate this semester, then I decided to unenroll from some classes, take recovery coach training and make time for my family, now as we sit here today, I reenrolled in all the classes, am about to send in my application to graduate, still take my recovery coach training, and I have no choice to make time for my family. All things are good, matter of fact they are great, but I can't help but think that at some point something is going to have to take the back seat. I also feel like if I don't continue to follow through with all these decisions, that it's not other people that I am going to disappoint, rather it's me that will be disappointed.
As a person who identifies as having a substance abuse problem along with a self-worth problem, I'm afraid of what that could do to me mentally and hinder the successes and victories that I have achieved thus far in my 14 months of sobriety. This makes my decision making all the more detrimental and thought out. I no longer can just live life on the edge of my seat and just make decisions on a whim. I thought all my piss poor decisions in the past were well calculated and thought through, but now I have no choice. With sobriety comes freedom and with freedom more and more opportunities. I'm now faced with more opportunities than I have ever dreamed of and as a person who lived their life on waiting for the next bad thing to happen, I'm scared to death that I'm going to be that reason something bad will happen. Nothing I have decided up to this point is set in stone yet, but the deadlines for all the aforementioned decisions are quickly approaching. I don't want to take on too much, but I also don't want to feel like I didn't do enough. I know I have to just give it all up to the big guy upstairs and everything will work itself out, but as for now the signs all point to what I have decided is the right thing to do. Pray that it all works out and I'm not tricking myself into eventual destruction. Thanks for listening, and until next time, say some prayers for me.
I read in an article once and there was a line that said “the bigger the selection, the more room there is to make a regrettable decision”. Maybe take yet another look at your options, the pros and cons and if you can realistically do it all without spreading yourself thin? Also talk to your friends and family or whoever the decision may effect and get their thoughts and opinions on it? Either way it’ll all work out as it’s intended to! Best of luck to you!!