Updated: Sep 8
CONTROL....a word that I didn't realize has had such an impact on my life. I mean sure I can admit my lack of control for what was left of me and my addiction at the end of it. I was such a mess that control was the very least of what I had left. I was completely powerless and defeated. I cried a lot and prayed a lot. I had pretty much nothing except my kids. And a handful of people(family),that was basically holding what was left of me together. I was tired. So tired at one point I just wanted to die. I was tired of trying to control my addiction and the outcome of it,and failing!!! Over and over and again. I was tired of trying to feel ok. Or comfortable in my skin. I was tired of trying to be happy. I was tired of....me. Tired of being with me,but also tired of running away from me.Not a single part of me was in control.
I'm very gr8ful for my weariness back then. I'm gr8ful that I realized that I had no control over drugs or alcohol or how I acted when they were inside me. I'm gr8ful that I was aware that I had to quit running from my past. My recovery has definitely been a bumpy road. I'm one that struggles to find balance. I've been trying to juggle being a mom,work,home life,as well as keep up with selfcare,all while trying to rock a recovery lifestyle. 2 Key words in that sentence being "trying",and "I".
Sometimes I forget not only who's in control,but that I need to give Him the control. Daily!!!! Sometimes more then once in a day. I tend to want to take back things I give to Him,or simply hold onto other things that I need to release to Him. Me being the number one thing on the list. Over the course of the past couple moths or so,I've been trying to stay on top of my recovery more vigilant then I ever have before. I had kinda got a lil complacent and was at bare minimum for months and that almost cost it all. Upon diving back in,I got myself another sponsor and committed myself to completing the 12 step work I had started. I'd left off on step 6. Which for me was kinda brutal. Having God remove my Defects meant I had to see them first. Truly see them. And I didn't like what I saw. Nor the experiences I went through to get to that point. However there were certain defects that were my shield. Or protection. So I thought.
When I went on to work step 7,some of my defects were just coming to the surface. Or my blinders were coming off I should say.But it's also been through trauma therapy that I've been gaining some enlightenment. I realize that one of my shortcomings is perfectionism. A bi product of that is I still try to have control. Of everything. Every situation. My kids. Definitely what we look like. My feelings,and as crazy as it sounds the people around me. And their feelings or the way they made me feel or how they see me. Some would say it's a trauma response due to neglect or some form of abuse. Some would say it's just addict behavior. I can say for me it's probably a combo of both. Trying to do things the right way or look or be a certain way to keep people from leaving or doing or saying whatever they want so I'm not left feeling abandoned or alone had become normal. Trying to be or look perfect while also having a rebelliousness about that part of me as well. And then there's apart of me that wants it to be perfect or look perfect, and if it can't well i just won't attempt. Especially if there could be failure attached. Just a vicious cycle I keep finding myself in. And I have gotten to that same weary place I was at when I decided I was done using. Realizing that instead of me having this tight grip/hold on these things to try and keep control of them.....they have control over me.
I've been trying desperately to have some sort of CONTROL my whole life. It has taken me 3 1/2+ years of sobriety, and about 6 weeks of step work and about the same in counseling to truly see this about myself. It has taken some deeply buried feelings having to be processed to understand how it got to this point. And it has taken some hurtful experiences to see the pattern and realize I was repeating a handful of behaviors over and over again. Even though these were manipulative at times,it was all in a effort to feel or have balance(control). The same as it was when I was in active addiction. Even doing it to my poor kids in an effort to get them to do or say certain things. Or to get them to behave a certain way. Instead of just let them be. Let people be.Let things be. Let me be.
Being able to see this at first caused me a lot of guilt,shame and sadness. Because I know it's hurtful to those around me. And it doesn't settle well in my spirit today. And trying to work through those ucky feelings without trying to control or dive into another addict behavior has not been easy. Trying to break and let go of a habit while also subconsciously trying to do it has me feeling so torn at times. And that makes me just want to be alone. I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate that the only place I can really be alone for the most part is inside my head. Where my inner rebel also lives,and tries to get me to take the least path of resistance,isolation,or total anarchy!!! But my higher power also lives there. And as "I" continue to "try" and figure it all out. Control it all,I cry out as I always have,"God help me, I need you"...I can still feel Him say.."I'm here always,even when you try to be alone in those rebellious thoughts of yours". I don't know how many times I've said the words "I" and "trying" in this post,but it has been several. They've also echoed in my head a lot over the course of my life. A lot over the course of my recovery. And what they spell out in meaning for me is...Control.
My higher power has been showing my need to control and how it's tripping me up over and over again.Not to mention causing other negative behaviors to seep out right along with it. The amazing thing is being aware of this weakness. And catching it now. Will I always get it right. No. This is totally new territory for me. What I know is I have to quit "trying" and trust that things are just as they should be. And most importantly I have to trust that God has me. And as I've been seeking His help...I see He's been "trying" to help me all along. If I would just release some control. But I also know it takes what it takes. And some things you just gotta go through. The key is to not give up on myself or the process. Or limit the amount of control I give to God. And instead to give Him all my trust.