My recovery has definitely been one full of struggles and spiritual battles. I used to wonder why, and beat myself up. I would wonder why other people seemed to have it so easy. Like they got sober and nuthin but sunshine and bliss followed. Some people seem to never struggle. Then I remember that my journey is my own. And regardless what my struggles are,God‘s Grace is not only there, but it’s sufficient enough for me! The evidence of that is I’m still sober 3+yrs. His Grace keeps me from giving up in those hard times. And there are definitely times I feel like giving up. There are also times that I feel like recovery is “another thing” to add to my list of to do’s.
This past week was a lil difficult for me. I have a child who is having some emotional and behavioral challenges that have recently(before quarantine)become kinda severe. And it is still ongoing up to this day. Let me tell you......it wears me down at times. I found myself getting so consumed by it. As I constantly try to redirect his behaviors, and teach him to self regulate, there are times that I don’t practice what I preach. Becoming so overwhelmed by it, I‘m ashamed to admit I sometimes lose my kool, patience, and in turn, my peace. The result:feelings of guilt,shame,and failure. Grieving the lose of school, work, and physical family interaction has also began to take its toll. And ironically with all the isolation,all I’ve wanted to do was self isolate. When I get to that point I used to shut God out too. Yesterday I found myself holding my breath on more then one occasion. It’s one of my trauma responses and something I do it when I’m stressed. When I realized I was doing it I decided to do some mindful breath work. Counting in between breaths. Today I’ve decided to breath in Gods Grace. I remain humble in the fact that it doesn’t matter my struggle, be it spiritual warfare, or things outside my control,I ALWAYS FEEL HIM in the midst of it all. Instead of hide my weaknesses I’ve chosen to be vulnerable and share them. Somehow I gain strength by being transparent. And it keeps me honest with myself. Breathing in Gods Grace keeps me reaching for a power greater, stronger then I. It allows me to forgive myself for the mistakes that I will inevitably make. Today I’m okay with being to weak to do this recovery thing on my own. “J” will never have it. I’m okay handing it over. At times I just need to remember to BREATH!