• Anna

A Mother’s Guilt

There is only one thing stronger than a mother’s love; that’s a mother’s guilt.

I carry this guilt with me daily, that I let my little girl down when she truly needed me the most, that I couldn’t string together sober time to save anything, and that she is not with me today. Yesterday was my daughter’s 8th birthday, and I am very blessed she is not only with family, she’s well cared for, knows she is loved, and she is genuinely happy. I no longer have custodial rights to my child due to repetitive horrendous choices during my days of active alcoholism, and it cuts deep like a hot searing razor blade daily. And unless this circumstance has happened to you I can only try to explain the indescribable pain, and I’m praying this is not your unfortunate path.

There are days I literally feel I am aimlessly moving through my agenda with this gaping hole through my chest, in which I used to try to fill with alcohol, men, women, and unhealthy voids that only left me emptier inside. I don’t know exactly how to make this pain go away or subside , and I know missing her won’t ever stop. However I need to continue to work with my therapist, be mindfully present with my wife and step children, and remind myself that I am NOT that person deep down. That was a very sick and very distorted version of Anna. And I will ensure my daughter knows she is and was always enough and that I always loved her so very much, I didn’t know how to love myself.

I try to fathom how it is so simple today, I just don’t consume alcohol, help others, and my life is pretty wonderful; however I struggle with allowing myself to enjoy it and be present. This is not fair to those in my life today and it is not fair to myself.

1.) Forgiveness

2.) Patience

3.) Hope

4.) Prayer

5.) Hard work

6.) Determination

7.) Unconditional love

8.) Elise Corinne, mommy cannot believe you are 8!

9.) My supportive and loving wife Jamie

10.) My family

Forgiveness is something I’m going to have to learn to grant myself to truly be freed from my past. And I’m not telling you it’s easy by any means, but it will sure be worth it. And if no one has told you they love you today, I love you. Yours truly,


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