A Deeper Dive: Boundaries - How and Why

↑↑↑ How it feels when people don't respect our boundaries ↑↑↑

Have you ever experienced resistance when setting boundaries? Like a friend who only wants to hang out in bars? A person who keeps wanting to bring up your pre-recovery behaviour? Or a gossipy family member who gets manipulative, trying to control your life while leaking your personal information across the countryside? Does this trigger you? Cause cravings? Edge you towards relapse? Today we're going to talk about:

FINDING YOUR VOICE

Triggers are a real part of recovery, but boundaries can help. Boundaries are key to protecting your sobriety and mental health. But, what do you do when the people you're setting boundaries with are dead set on tearing them down, caring little to nothing about your free will and wellness journey? Do you just take it and hope it stops? (It never does) Do you fly off the handle like an animal backed into a corner? Neither of these things is healthy for you or the other people involved. So let's have a good "how to" discussion. I'd like to share ways to navigate healthy boundary setting, starting with things that have personally worked for me:

1. Use Assertive Communication with “I” Statements

   When someone disregards your boundaries—like pressuring you to attend an event with alcohol or dismissing your need for space—you can respond with clear, assertive “I” statements that focus on your needs without escalating conflict. This approach helps you stay firm while reducing the chance of defensiveness.

   • How to do it: Calmly state your boundary, why it matters, and what you need. For example, if a friend keeps inviting you to a bar despite knowing it’s a trigger, you might say, “I need to avoid places with alcohol to protect my recovery. Please don’t ask me to go to bars—it’s important for me to stay on track.” If they push back, repeat your statement calmly, like a broken record, without justifying further.

   • Why it works: It reinforces your boundary as non-negotiable and centers your recovery, which can help others understand the seriousness of your needs. I encourage you to practice your “I” statements for confidence. It feels silly at first, but practicing self-care language or a good daily affirmation with your bathroom mirror can help exponentially.

   
   

2. Set Consequences and Follow Through

   If someone repeatedly disrespects your boundaries, it’s important to establish consequences to protect yourself. This isn’t about punishment but about prioritizing your recovery by limiting exposure to harmful dynamics.

   
   

   • How to do it: Clearly communicate the consequence tied to your boundary. For instance, if a family member keeps bringing up past substance use in a triggering way, you could say, “If we talk about my past use, I’ll need to step away from the conversation to stay focused on my recovery.” If they cross the line, follow through—leave the room or end the call. Be consistent, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

   • Why it works: Consequences show that your boundaries have weight, which can encourage respect over time or reduce contact with those who won’t change. It also empowers you to control your environment. Consequences are a form of self-care, not conflict, and I suggest starting with small, manageable ones to build confidence (this could be a good bathroom mirror practice time).

     
     

3. Limit or Pause Contact When Needed

   If someone consistently ignores your boundaries—like, a friend who keeps offering you substances or minimizes your triggers—it may be necessary to reduce or pause contact to safeguard your recovery. This can feel tough, especially with close relationships, but it’s a powerful way to prioritize your well-being.

   
   

   • How to do it: Decide what level of distance feels right (less frequent meetups, no texting for a while, or a full break). Communicate this kindly but firmly, like, “I’m focusing on my recovery right now, so I need some space for a bit. I’ll reach out when I’m ready.” If they react poorly, lean on your support system—like a sponsor, peer recovery coach, or sober friends—to stay grounded. Replace that contact with positive connections who respect your boundaries.

   • Why it works: Distance reduces exposure to triggers and gives you space to strengthen your recovery. It also sends a clear message that your boundaries are serious. This is about protecting, not isolating, yourself. A safe headspace is the ultimate goal.

   
   

"Boundaries are sexy because they signal self-respect and self-love." — wirthhats.com

An important step is being able to identify boundary-busting triggers. Bare bones, they look like this: External stimulation (people, places, events) and the internal feelings (emotions, stress) they induce. These triggers can spark cravings or risky situations. One key to remember about boundaries is they aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about keeping you safe. Here are some practical strategies for setting boundaries:

• Identify Your Triggers:

Ask yourself what situations, people, or feelings lead to triggers/cravings?

Tip: Keeping a trigger journal to spot patterns can be helpful in the beginning. Self-awareness is crucial, and this can be a great way to reflect.

• Communicate Boundaries Clearly:

Use “I” statements to express needs without blame. Repeated from above, this is an important part of training your brain to keep you safe, but out of a high-anxiety survival mode.

Example: “I need to avoid parties with alcohol for now to stay on track.” "I can't tell you about that because you aren't careful with my personal information."

• Limit Exposure to High-Risk Environments:

Avoid places tied to past substance use (certain places or events).

Plan alternatives: Sober activities or new routines (like coming to events with 217 Recovery 😉).

• Manage Relationships:

Set limits with people who enable or trigger stress/cravings.

Surround yourself with supportive, sober allies (a strong support system can be the difference between sobriety and relapse during high-stress life experiences).

• Protect Your Emotional Space:

Practice saying “no” to stress-inducing commitments. Use mindfulness or grounding techniques to manage emotional triggers. This is where healthy coping mechanisms are a MUST. Learn what they are for you and use them, and it'll change your life.

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Overcoming challenges while boundary setting is common. Most people have benefited from our weak boundaries. Some common hurdles you may need to address are: Guilt, fear of conflict, or feeling selfish. The thing I'd like you to remember is that we are talking about self-care here. If you're like me and you let your life go willy-nilly in the boundary/mental health department your entire adulthood after a trauma and abuse-filled childhood... this process isn't going to be easy. You may even feel like a "bad person" at first.

But boundaries empower you to take control of your recovery/life by reducing trigger exposure. Consider small steps: start with one boundary and build from there. If this is something you've been working on, please share your boundary-setting strategies in the comments below. And PLEASE remember: you’re not alone—every boundary you set is a step toward a stronger, healthier you.

For help in this area of your life, you can email me at: mitchell@217recovery.com or call our office at (231) 421-1903. Thank you for reading my blogs ❤️ find your voice, you'll appreciate it later. I promise.

Until next time.